July 20, 2016: In this election year, I'm sensing a lot of fear, anxiety and anger over a number of issues such as terrorism, illegal immigration, law and order etc. I too am fearful, angry and anxious. I can pinpoint the root of my terrorism, illegal immigration and law and order issues directly to my garden and I'm wondering when the heck my government or some politician is going to stand up and protect us from . . . VOLES (not to be confused with moles)! I'm a little picture kind of guy. ISIS is bad but they've yet to decimate my potato patch. Voles have. Immigrants, legal or otherwise, form the backbone of the green industry in Oregon and pay taxes. Vole immigrants from the nearby fields devour and destroy and have yet to pitch in on my property tax. Voles steal what they don't plant and no ordinary fence is going to keep them out.

Live Vole - Bad!Live Vole - Bad!Perhaps you're not familiar with what a vole is. It's other aliases are meadow mice or field mice. At 5-8" long, they're bigger and stouter than your regular mouse. Mice have tails that are longer than their bodies, voles have bodies longer than their tails. Also unlike your regular mouse, they burrow underground creating tunnels and runways anywhere from surface level to 8-12" deep. There are two primary vole species in the northern Willamette Valley - the Graytailed Vole and The Townsend's Vole. The latter being the biggest species of vole, has the most extensive tunnel system and is the SOB that is in my garden.

Voles are primarily herbivore feeding on plant tops and roots of almost everything - root vegetables, bulbs,Dead vole - GoodDead vole - Good tubers, the ground level bark of shrubs and young trees. They will also occasionally will eat insects, snails and slugs.. They are particularly fond of my carrots, potatoes, and turnips. For fun and giggles they like to chew the carrot root from the bottom leaving the green top . They usually time this just prior to when I'm getting ready to harvest the carrots, so when I pull on the carrot tops I topple over backwards onto my keester. Who would have thought a rodent had such a capacity for warped sadistic humor. They are also very fond of excavating their runways right up the furrow that your vegetable seedlings are sprouting up from. They don't eat the sprouts from what I've observed, they just toss them out to die. Again, sadistic, wanton destruction - that is the way of the vole. And when fall comes and they're done making your life a horticultural hell, they move into your house, barn, garage, even vehicle and start their spite-filled chewing anew. I've had several pairs of fishing waders, the canvas of a pop-up camper, my bee coveralls, a high school yearbook, and the wiring harness of a car chewed up. It's a diabolical mind, albeit small, that can identify and destroy the things you use and love the most.

Terrorist VoleTerrorist VoleNow vole liberals will tell you that everything has its place in the natural ecosystem, even voles. I contend my garden is not a natural ecosystem and voles have no place. They'll tell you their burrowing helps to churn up and aerate the soil but their tunnels divert irrigation water making watering less effective and more wasteful. They'll point to the endangered Red Tree Vole whose demise is linked to the decline of old growth forests, but I don't plan on having an old growth forest in my vegetable plot just some ungnawed potatoes would be nice. Vole conservatives will point out that voles are family-oriented. I guess so, but with 5-6 families a year that's a little too much family.

To date, our government, the politicians and their parties have done nothing to protect us from voles. We've had to rely on our own wit, wile and resources to battle the vole and often it's been a losing battle. Some control measures that have been used in the past:

Wire mesh Screens: Place around the trunks of newly planted trees to prevent voles gnawing the bark. Also effective for beaver, muskrat and nutria.

Cultural: Voles, being the criminal that they are, like cover. Tall grass, lots of mulch, taller vegetation that they can move unseen between burrow exits. Keeping grass mowed, both lawn and field mowing, can help a little bit.

Repellants; They don't really work.

Toxicants: Zinc phosphide and anti-coagulants such as Warfarin have been the most effective. These come as baits and must be placed down in the runways. These baits are toxic to all mammals including your cat and dog so they must be placed in a runway and covered. Don't use toxicant covered grain bait. Some of it ends up sprouting in your garden and now you have to do some toxic weeding.

Trapping: Good if you have a lot of spare time and tolerance of failure. Typical mole or gopher traps don't work. I've tried the typical snap spring mouse trap - two buried alongside at a burrow entrance and runway. I was very proud of my diabolical vole abattoir but pride evaporated to nothing after my fifth unsuccessful attempt.

Shooting: This means sitting patiently with a shotgun and waiting to see a vole push dirt out of an entrance hole and then running over and blasting it. I have not done this myself, but I have several neighbors who have and have as great a pride in it as bagging a trophy elk, One actually did this as he was hosting a BBQ for his work colleagues. Those were pre-mass shooting times. Today I wouldn't advise it for party entertainment.

Fumigants: Might work for moles, but not for voles, as their tunnels are extensive with many exit holes for fumigants to escape.

As I'm writing this, I'm getting more and more angry. Just whose going to stand up for the little guy against the little vole? You know, when I was a kid and I'd get angry I always remember my dear mother's advice, "Get out of the house and do something before you get smacked!" With her words ringing in my ear, that's what I'm going to do.

I am announcing the establishment of a new independent party. Much like Teddy Roosevelt, who at theFirst my carrots, then yoursFirst my carrots, then yours turn of the 20th century formed the independent Bullmoose Party (I'm thinking moose were probably a bigger garden threat back then than they are today), because the two major parties just didn't get it. I am starting a new third or maybe seventh party that will be called: The American Meadow Mouse Party.

At a very recent party caucus, that was held with the other two AMMP members at the local tavern, we developed the following planks in our party platform;

1) SECURITY: Every American vegetable garden (except those owned by illegal immigrants) will have a wall built around it, about 12"" deep and 12" high with mini-razor wire atop. It will be government funded.

2) ANTI-TERRORISM: A Dept. Of Voleland Security will be established which will supersede and have at its command the branches of our military and intelligence services. Suspicious vole activity will be monitored and assessed and both pre and post-emption military strikes will be blanket authorized without Congress approval.

3)TAXES/ECONOMY: The IRS will give a $5 tax rebate to every citizen for every vole skin that they remit with their income tax forms. Individuals and businesses making over $100,000/year may opt for a tax deduction of $10,000 per vole skin (rationale being is that they have the extra expense of somebody else catching their voles).

4) IMMIGRATION: Folks from vole infested nations will be restricted from entering the United States ... period.

That's it. Just four planks, but we got it done pretty quick without a lot of screaming and hollering like the other parties do. Another reason to vote for us.

I am not one to cotton to politics or even leadership, but if my party asks me to run, then I will serve. For our American vegetable gardens somebody has to stand up and tell it like it is. If you vote for me (it'll have to be write-in because the Establishment machine has excluded us from most ballots) , I promise to rid your garden of voles and when that gargantuan task has been done, I'll work on moles, gophers and ground squirrels next. I promise that no grandchild of mine or yours or anyone else (with the exception of the grandchildren of illegal immigrants) will ever again suffer the shame and humiliation of falling on their keesters from pulling up a gnawed off carrot! I will MAKE OUR AMERICAN VEGETABLE GARDENS GREAT AND SAFE AGAIN! You have my word!


F & P